Feedback: Please? Thank you. celli@fanfic101.com
Rating: PG.
Category: Crossover; humor.
Archiving: ask, and I'll probably say yes.
Disclaimer: JAG and Stargate SG-1 belong to...um...people who aren't me.
Spoilers: Season 5 JAG, Season 3 Stargate.
Summary: When the higher-ups in the Marines notice the frequent fatalities at Cheyenne Mountain, they send in JAG officers to investigate. The outcome isn't what any of them expected.
Notes: This story is for my beta-reader Jen and for the Horsechicks, who provided story ideas when I was completely at sea. Takes place at some point after the Stargate SG-1 third-season episode "Shades of Grey" and the JAG fifth-season episode "Contemptuous Words."
Eagles and Weasels
A Stargate SG-1/JAG Crossover
by Celli Lane
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
DETENTION CELL
13 MAY - 1500 HOURS
Jack took his time strolling into the brig. He sighed heavily. Tucked his thumbs in his belt loops. Eased his weight back onto one heel. Forward onto his toes.
Through it all, the man and woman in the adjoining cells remained rigidly at attention.
"You know," Jack said to the nearest wall, "this brig has held its share of traitors and aliens. Mostly traitorous aliens," he added upon reflection. "But to my knowledge it's never held lawyers before."
Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, U.S. Marine Corps, remained frozen in place, her stormy gaze trained on empty air. Beside her, Naval Commander Harmon Rabb's hands twitched at his sides, but he didn't so much as blink.
Jack looked around consideringly. "We might have to fumigate after this."
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
OFFICE OF ADMIRAL A.J. CHEGWIDDEN, JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL
11 MAY - 1600 HOURS
"These numbers can not be correct," Mac said as she paged through the files. "Sixteen Marines? In four years?"
Harm looked over her shoulder. "Are they peacekeepers? Bosnia, or--"
"Colorado."
"What--"
"A deep space radar project," the Admiral interrupted.
"What?" Harm and Mac demanded together.
"You heard me. For some reason, a group of Marines has been assigned to some Air Force...science experiment at NORAD."
Harm frowned. "Science experiments wouldn't kill most Marines I've met."
The Admiral looked over the top of his glasses. "Rocket launchers wouldn't kill most Marine's I've met."
Harm leaned over Mac's shoulder. "Any information on the Air Force side of the equation? Are they losing personnel at the same rate?"
"Not a clue. I called Air Force JAG myself. General Kessler told me to keep out of it. Commander?"
"Sir?"
"Do you take orders from zoomies?"
"Uh...not unless you tell me to, sir."
Mac rolled her eyes behind Harm's back.
"Well, I'm ordering you not to. You two leave for Cheyenne Mountain first thing in the morning, and you don't come back until you know exactly why those Marines are dead. Is that clear?"
Harm and Mac both snapped to attention. "Aye, aye, sir!" they said in unison.
"Dismissed."
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
OFFICE OF MAJOR SAMANTHA CARTER
11 MAY - 1750 HOURS
"Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time."
Jack stopped dead in the hall and looked back over his shoulder. He had not just heard the word "kinky" coming out of Carter's office, in Carter's voice. Nuh-uh.
But he backed up and stuck his head in. Just to make sure.
Carter was mostly underneath a MALP, nattering on about...something scientific. Jack could barely make out the top of her head, next to a familiar receding hairline.
"Siler?"
Both heads jumped, and there was a painful-sounding clang. Carter slid out from under the MALP, rubbing her forehead. "Sir?"
"I'm sorry, Carter. Did I interrupt something...kinky?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I came up with an idea to rewire the MALP and extend its battery life. Siler wasn't so sure."
Jack very prudently discarded the first several responses that came to mind. "Ah."
"I'm still not sure, Major," Siler said, one hand on his own head, "but it's definitely worth trying."
The two officers stood aside as Siler wheeled the MALP out the door.
"So," Jack said, "looks like you're keeping yourself busy."
She shrugged. "I'm trying not to start anything too involved." Jack held back a snicker; "too involved" probably meant anything on the superconductor level or above. "I'm hoping my dad will get here a little early."
"It'll be good when everyone finally gets here. It'll be even nicer when they all leave. Why did they have to pick Earth for their treaty talks anyway?"
"Daniel said it was Thor's idea."
Jack blinked. "Really?"
"We're not technically neutral ground, but we are friendly to both the Tok'ra and the Asgard."
"Huh." Jack was silent for a second. "I'll still be glad when they leave, though."
Carter smiled. "Yes, sir." Her phone rang; she stepped to the other side of her desk. "Major Carter's office...yes, he is. Hang on." She held out the phone to Jack. "Major Davis," she mouthed.
Jack shrugged at her enquiring look. He took the phone from her. "O'Neill here...yes, Major, I--what?" He listened for a minute more, then slammed the phone down.
"Colonel?"
"Son of a bitch!"
"Sir?"
He glared at her. "Major, what's the worst thing that could happen right now?"
"A foothold situation?"
"Okay, the second worse thing."
"A surprise visit from the NID?"
He pointed at her. "Worse than that."
"What?"
"Lawyers!"
He stormed out of the room, still swearing, and she followed him. "Lawyers? Sir...?"
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
VISITOR PARKING
12 MAY - 1020 HOURS
"So, do we have a plan?" Mac asked as she and Harm made their way toward the doors leading into Cheyenne Mountain.
"You don't think my natural charm will work? Stop snickering."
"Let's just say we might need a Plan B."
"Keep your eyes open," Harm said. "We're in enemy territory here."
Mac raised an eyebrow. "Why, because it's Air Force?"
"No, because it's classified. Think of it as a whole mountain full of Clayton Webb clones."
Mac made a face. "That's an encouraging thought. Did you call him about this? The CIA probably knows what's going on here."
"I left him a voice mail last night. I'm sure he knows exactly what's going on here..."
"He just won't want to tell us," Mac finished. "As usual."
A dark-haired man about Mac's height drew their attention. He saluted as he stepped in front of them. "Good morning, sir. Ma'am. I'm Major Paul Davis. Welcome to Cheyenne Mountain."
Harm returned the salute and offered his hand. "I'm Commander Rabb. This is Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."
Davis fell in step with the two senior officers. "I've been assigned as your escort during your investigation, so if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask."
"Oh, we won't," Mac said dryly. "Escorting lawyers isn't usually a Major's job. What do you do when you're not helping us?"
"I'm usually based out of Washington, ma'am," Davis said. "I'm the Pentagon liaison for the SGC. If I'd been aware of your investigation, I could have met with you there and saved us the plane trip."
"That's okay," Harm said cheerfully, apparently oblivious to the censure in Davis's voice. "I like to fly."
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
SGC CONFERENCE ROOM
12 MAY - 1645 HOURS
Jack leaned back and tried surreptitiously to stretch a few cramped muscles. Sitting still had never been one of his gifts to begin with; sitting still and listening to the Tok'ra and Asgard praise each other was not an improvement. He leaned over to Daniel, who (being Daniel) was hanging on every word. "Hey!"
"Hey what?" Daniel whispered back.
"Why are we even here? We already have treaties with both these guys."
"We're observing."
"You know what I'm observing? I'm observing that I'm bored!"
His voice had climbed slightly above a whisper; both Jacob--no, wait, his eyes were glowing--both Selmac and Thor broke off from their conversation long enough to look at him. Jack flushed and smiled weakly across the table. Selmac and Thor exchanged a look that clearly said, "Humans," and continued talking.
Fortunately, the cavalry arrived, in the form of one freaked-out-looking Major Davis. Jack jumped out of his chair and pulled at Daniel's shirt.
"Jack--"
"Come on, Daniel. I have another situation for you to observe."
"Why me?"
"If I'm not having fun, you're not having fun."
They joined Major Davis in the hallway. "I'm having a bit of a problem," he said before the door had even closed behind them.
"Can't handle the lawyers, Davis?" Jack asked.
Davis just looked at him. "You haven't met these two lawyers, Colonel."
"Apparently, that's about to be remedied," Jack said as they headed for the elevator.
"They insist on talking to someone in charge. General Hammond is tied up with the treaty negotiations--I told them he was in a meeting, but that'll only put them off for so long. I thought about pulling Colonel Albrecht in--"
Both Jack and Daniel shook their heads automatically at the thought of the new head of SG-3 dealing with lawyers.
"--but SG-3 is on leave for the week anyway."
"So you decided Jack was the best person to talk to them?" Daniel's eyebrows shot way up. Jack glared at him.
"Major Carter's in with them right now."
"Good, maybe she'll technobabble them to death before we get there."
"I doubt it, sir," Davis said miserably. "I don't think these are your average JAGs."
They were off the elevator now and headed for the NORAD surface level waiting room. "All right," Jack said. "Tell me what I need to know about them."
"I ran their service records on my way in from Washington. Commander Rabb is a former Tomcat pilot with two Distinguished Flying Crosses."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "A Top Gun on our base. Who's his partner? Former SEAL? Recon Marine?"
"Not Recon--that I know of--but she is a jarhead. She's served in Bosnia. Her uncle is Matt O'Hara."
"Colonel O'Hara?" Jack stopped dead.
"You've heard of him?" Daniel asked.
"I served with him briefly in Iraq. He was a good man. Reminds me a lot of General Carter." Jack looked over at Daniel. "Well, these two should be interesting conversationalists, to say the least. Try to look like a civilian, Daniel."
He banged open the door to the waiting room and strode in, leaving Daniel behind to mutter "As opposed to what?" before following him.
Teal'c was lurking on a corner, arms crossed, ski cap pulled firmly down on his forehead. Carter was already in full geek mode. "...use the solar radiation to determine the distortion of the radar--oh, hello, Colonel."
She got to her feet. The man and woman in front of her had already jumped to attention. Their khaki uniforms made them look especially out of place amidst SG-1's olive-and-black ensembles.
"Oh, as you were," Jack said irritably. "We don't stand on much ceremony around here, do we, Carter?"
"No, sir." She gestured towards the now-seated officers. "Commander Rabb, Lt. Colonel MacKenzie, this is my CO, Colonel O'Neill."
"Nice to meet you, I guess," Jack said. He leaned against the back of the chair next to Carter's. "How's your uncle, Colonel?"
"Ah...fine, sir, thank you," MacKenzie said. She and her partner exchanged startled looks.
"Major Carter was just telling us about her field of expertise, Colonel," Rabb said. "Are you an astrophysicist also?"
Both Carter and Daniel made small choking sounds. Jack glared at them.
"No," he said grandiosely. "I'm in management."
Carter and Daniel choked again. Even Davis was smirking. Jack ignored them all.
"This is Dr. Daniel Jackson," Major Davis said hastily. "He's our...uh..."
"Translator," Jack said.
"Your what?" MacKenzie asked.
"We work with--with radar stations in various other countries," Carter said. "It's helpful to have a translator on hand."
"That's me, helpful," Daniel said cheerfully.
Commander Rabb gestured to Teal'c. "And I don't believe we've met--"
"Murray!" Jack said. "I wondered where you were! Why didn't you join us in the...staff meeting downstairs?"
"I thought perhaps Major Davis might require my assistance here," Teal'c said, his usual deep voice sounding more resonant against everyone else's nervous tones.
"Murray handles our security," Daniel told the JAG officers.
Both looked surprised. "Is that much of a concern in a place like this?" Rabb asked.
"One can never be too cautions, Commander Rabb," Teal'c said.
Rabb flashed a grin he'd probably stolen from Tom Cruise along with the wings. "Call me Harm."
Teal'c just looked at him. Slowly, Rabb's grin faded.
Jack could have sworn he heard MacKenzie mumble, "Plan B," to her partner before turning back to face SG-1. "So what does SGC stand for, anyway? It's not in any of our paperwork."
Everyone relaxed noticeably. An easy lie!
"Star Gazing Central," Jack said at once. "A little fanciful for the Air Force, but we like it."
"And your commanding officer is Major General Hammond, right?" MacKenzie asked, consulting her notes.
"Yes, ma'am," Davis said.
"When so we get to see him?"
"Well, as I mentioned, the General is in an important meeting--"
"More important than a JAG investigation?"
"Well--"
"More important than the deaths of sixteen Marines, Major?"
Davis looked helplessly to Jack. "Colonel O'Neill--"
"Can Colonel O'Neill arrange for us to conduct our investigation?" She threw a scornful look Jack's way. "Or is he another attempt to stonewall--"
"Colonel MacKenzie!" Jack shouted.
She snapped to attention, but her face didn't quite make it back to neutral. "Sir!"
Jack stalked over to within a few inches of her. "If you want to insult me, you look me in the eye and do so. You do not harass my junior officers."
"No, sir!" Her eyes were wide and blazing.
Rabb stood as well. "Permission to speak freely, sir."
"Denied!" Jack snapped. "The two of you are dismissed for the day."
"Colonel, sir, with all due respect, you don't have the right--"
"Commander, with all due respect: Shut. Up."
Rabb subsided, more or less.
"We have lodging for you in Colorado Springs. Tomorrow we will arrange interviews with General Hammond and with the Marine detachment stationed here."
"You don't need--that is, we don't need lodging in town," MacKenzie said. "We'd be happy to stay here on base."
Jack just looked at her. "I'm sure you would. But you're leaving Cheyenne Mountain, and you're leaving now."
"So what's your analysis of Plan B?" Harm asked Mac sotto voce as they left the waiting room.
"I think it tanked."
"Affirmative." He pulled her to a stop. "Wait a second."
Their "honor guard"--Davis, Carter, and, uh, Murray--came to a stumbling halt as well. "Hey!" Davis said.
But Harm was staring down the hallway as Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson--translator, yeah, right--waited for the elevator. Specifically, he was staring at the keycard O'Neill was using.
"Commander Rabb?" Murray asked.
Harm started walking again. Mac gave him an odd look, and he winked at her. "Never mind."
COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO
HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS, ROOM 219
12 MAY - 2100 HOURS
"Thanks, Uncle Matt," Mac said into her cell phone as she opened her door. Harm stood there, just closing his phone. They both smothered a laugh.
Mac stood back to let him in the door. "Did you get what you were looking for?"
"Yeah." He dropped a shopping bag on one of the beds. "What did Colonel O'Hara have to say?"
"Nothing but good about Colonel O'Neill. At least as a soldier. Uncle Matt didn't know anything about his personal life. There was one odd thing, though--"
"Huh?" Harm was digging through the bag, pulling out olive cargo pants and a black long-sleeved shirt.
"O'Neill apparently retired twice. Both times he was reactivated--and no one Uncle Matt knows can tell him why."
"Maybe it was related to his Special Ops service." Harm pulled out a long-sleeved olive shirt and scrutinized it. "I'd better leave this off. It doesn't have the unit badge, and that Murray guy wasn't wearing one, so I can probably get away with it."
"That team didn't look Special Ops to me," Mac said.
"No, but I wouldn't want to get on their bad side."
"You don't think trying to sneak onto their base might bother them?"
"Mac, the whole point of sneaking is that they won't know about it, right?"
She made a disgusted noise. He grinned. "You're just mad because you have to be the decoy."
"Hmph. Did you get through to Webb?"
"More voice mail. But Bud found the NORAD blueprints online, and he's emailing them to you."
Mac reached for her laptop. "If this doesn't work, do we have a Plan D?"
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
NORAD SURFACE LEVEL WAITING ROOM
13 MAY - 1110 HOURS
Mac was being rather inexpertly stonewalled by a Marine Second Lieutenant when Major Carter came flying through the door. "What did you do with Colonel O'Neill's keycard?"
Mac hardly looked at her. "I haven't done anything with anything, Major. If you'll excuse us--"
"Where's your partner?"
"I told the Colonel this morning, Commander Rabb was called back to JAG for--"
"I don't believe you, Colonel."
"That's not my problem, Major."
Carter turned to the young Marine. "Lt. Kamnikar, make sure Colonel MacKenzie stays right here."
"Uh, yes, ma'am."
"Excuse me?" Mac began, but Carter was already striding over to a phone in the corner of the room.
"Siler, this is Carter, get me Colonel O'Neill...yes, sir...no, she's been here all morning...it was used when?...I'd better bring her down. Yes, sir."
She walked back over, and Mac tried not to show surprise at the pistol in her hand.
"I'm sorry, Colonel, but I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
LEVEL 27
13 MAY - 1125 HOURS
Harm flattened himself against a door as someone else passed by. He sighed. Something was definitely going on, but damned if he could figure out what. He'd better get back up to the outside soon, before anyone--
He stopped and moved back again as he heard a batch of angry voices heading his way. That was Murray Whatshisname, and--he bit off a curse--he had Mac. Dammit.
"Lt. Colonel MacKenzie, you must tell us where Commander Rabb is."
"I don't know where he is. And are you aware of how many violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice you're committing just holding me like this?" Yeah, that was Mac. She could have a gun to her head--she probably did have a gun to her head--and she'd still spit in your face.
Some more voices joined in--Colonel O'Neill and the translator guy--and then a door banged open. The weirdest, most disembodied voice Harm had ever heard started speaking. "Teal'c, what is going on out here?"
Harm had to look. There was a man staring at Mac--and his eyes were glowing! Without even realizing it, he said, "What the hell?"
Everyone whirled around to look at him. "Dammit, Harm--" Mac said.
Major Carter came out of another corridor to his left. "Dad!" she said to the glowy guy.
"Samantha," he said in that same voice.
Then someone else came into view next to the guy. "Thor--" O'Neill said, waving him--it--back, but Harm and Mac had already gotten a good look at it. They stared at each other, horrified.
It was a freakin' Roswell alien.
"Plan D would come in handy about now," Mac said, but Carter already had her gun pointed at Harm. He raised his hands and tried to look unthreatening.
"I'm working on it, Mac. I'm working on it."
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
DETENTION CELL
13 MAY - 1500 HOURS
After Colonel O'Neill strolled away, whistling, Harm and Mac sank onto their respective beds and stared at each other.
"I don't believe it," Mac said. "Held prisoner by aliens, and we're still hearing lawyer jokes."
"Zoomie aliens at that. This isn't good," Harm said.
"Are you kidding?" Mac asked. "This isn't real. I wouldn't be surprised at this point if an alien burst out of Murray's chest. Did you see that thing on his forehead?"
Harm nodded. "Not even the Admiral is going to get us out of this one."
Mac sighed. "You know what I just thought of? It's too bad they didn't assign this one to Bud."
"He'd be in heaven." Harm grinned. "If they ever let us out of this brig, we'll have to tell him."
"Tell him what? 'The truth is out there--and it's in Colorado?' I don't think so."
Harm flopped back onto his bed. "Colorado, New Mexico--what's the difference?"
There was a long silence. "Hey, Mac?"
"Yeah?"
"That wasn't your uncle. Right?"
"No, I got a closer look at him. It looks like Uncle Matt, but it's not."
"Good. I'd hate to think I'd defended E.T. in court." There was another pause. "Of course, that does lead to some interesting defense strategies..."
There was a muffled thump as Mac dropped her pillow onto her head.
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
DETENTION CELL
13 MAY - 1900 HOURS
Harm and Mac jumped up as the door opened again. Major Davis and Colonel O'Neill walked in, followed by--
"Webb?" they both said in astonishment.
"You two sure know how to ruin a man's weekend, don't you?" he asked. He took the only chair in the room, straightened his (already immaculate) suit, and looked with distaste as Carter, Jackson, and probably-not-Murray crowded in. "Do they all have to be here?"
"Yes," O'Neill said.
"Fine. I'm Clayton Webb, Deputy Director of Operations for the CIA. Don't bother introducing yourselves; I don't much care who you are."
The various Air Force personnel gaped at Webb; Harm and Mac gave each other resigned looks.
"By the way, Rabb, that's a good look for you," Webb said.
Harm looked down; he'd forgotten he was still wearing his fake "SGC" clothing. "Black?"
"Bars." Webb opened his briefcase, ignoring the killing look Harm aimed at him. "Okay, here's the situation--" He broke off and looked around the room. "Relax, people. We're all the good guys here."
"Good guys?" O'Neill shouted. "They broke into a secure installation--"
"You were stonewalling us!" Harm shouted back.
Webb rubbed his forehead. "Dammit, Harm--"
"This project is classified for a reason," O'Neill interrupted. "The work we're doing here--"
Mac grabbed the bars of her cell. "The work you're doing here has killed sixteen Marines, and I don't even know how many Air Force personnel. Maybe you consider that acceptable, Colonel. Maybe you think your mission here is important enough to justify it. And maybe it is, I don't know. But if you think we're just going to let it go because you throw us in a cell and crack a few lawyer jokes--" She crossed her arms over her chest. "Then you've known the wrong lawyers."
Webb let the astonished silence settle for a moment. "I told you they were the good guys, O'Neill," he said. He pulled out a folder. "Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to explain the Stargate program to my friends here--and Major Davis will tell you I have the authority to do so. Then you're going to open these cell doors and let them walk away."
He held up his hand when O'Neill started to protest. "Under a few conditions. One: that you not tell anyone, even the Admiral, what I tell you. I will give you a cover story, and you will follow it."
Harm and Mac just glared at him. He glared back. "Number two: there is an organization attempting to subvert the goals of the SGC. We believe that they may have connections in Washington. The two of you are going to assist me in finding those connections. Any questions?"
"Yes," Harm said. "I would like to know how I walk into a Twilight Zone episode and walk out working for you. Again."
Webb shrugged. "You have a gift."
O'Neill smirked.
"Anyway." Webb opened his folder. "There's some backstory you don't need to know, but here's the basics: the Stargate program was begun in 1997 when we became aware of a race called the Goa'uld..."
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COLORADO
GATE ROOM
14 MAY - 0945 HOURS
The explanation had taken quite a bit of time (even allowing a break for sleep), but it was finally done. Rabb and MacKenzie were staring openly at the Stargate. It was one thing to be told the dimensions, another thing entirely to see the two-story mass of it.
Jack waited until they were done gawking and tapped MacKenzie on the shoulder. "Colonel?"
"Yes, sir?"
"You, uh..." He wanted to pick the exact right words. She was, after all, a lawyer. "Impressive little speech in there."
"Thank you, sir." She looked around. "Impressive little operation out here."
"We try." His grin faded. "Seriously, though--I want you to know that we never take the deaths of our people lightly. I've lost some good friends here." He looked over to where Teal'c was deep in discussion with the CIA guy, and Carter and Daniel were explaining something--full hand gestures included--to Rabb, who looked appropriately lost. "I'll probably lose more before we're done."
She didn't say anything stupidly sympathetic. Instead, she looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, sir, I love my job, but sometimes I spend my entire day dealing with the worst of the Armed Forces. Murderers, malingerers, deserters..."
"Jet jocks..." Jack put in. She rolled her eyes and nodded.
"But what you have here is the best the military has to offer. You've got good people, Colonel. And you're doing good work."
Jack found himself smiling down at her. "You know, MacKenzie, if you ever feel like changing your designator, we can always use a good Marine here at the SGC."
Rabb came up behind them. "Oh, no," he said, laughing. "The Colonel stays with us." He looked over at his partner. "Right?" he asked with just a trace of anxiousness.
"Right." She held out a hand to Jack. "But if you need a friend in Washington, you know where to look."
"Colonel O'Neill?"
"Yes, Carter."
"I think you were wrong."
"Wrong? Me?"
"They weren't worse than the NID."
"No, they weren't. Not quite, anyway."
"Yes, sir."
"Mac, I was talking to Mur--uh, Teal'c, and do you know what he's flown?"
"No, Harm."
"What?"
"You are not flying UFOs."
"But Mac..."
--the end--
Note: Carmen Argenziano played both Colonel Matt O'Hara (Mac's "Uncle Matt") on JAG and General Jacob Carter/Selmac (Carter's father) on Stargate.