STONE AND WATER  by Jayne Leitch
   C. 2001

~~If I laugh, just a little bit, maybe I can forget the chance that I didn't have to know you
~~And live in peace, in peace...

     Sleep evaporated, and Alexis opened her eyes to the darkness of her bedroom.

     It took her a moment; she'd never been one to wake up quickly, especially in the middle of the night when she didn't even know what had woken her up.  Gradually, however, her brain started to work and she came back to herself.

     What was it?  A noise?  She tensed for a moment--then remembered that Zander was just down the hall, and relaxed slightly.  He'd warned her that he was a night owl; she'd told him that she was a heavy sleeper, and then promptly relegated the information to the back of her mind.  She'd noticed that he was usually energetically bouncing off the walls when she was dropping off on her feet and ready to turn in, but--what time was it?

     Rolling her head to the side, Alexis squinted at the bright glow from her clock--then furrowed her brow.  Zander might be a night owl, but she was sure he was usually in bed long before 3:46 am...

     There it was again.  Straining her ears, Alexis listened as a low, barely audible sound drifted through the silence of her apartment, then trailed off--or rather lowered further until it wasn't audible at all.

     She blinked.  That was definitely what had woken her up; she could remember the sound insinuating itself into the dream she'd been having before starting awake.  But what *was* it?

     A moment later she was standing beside her bed, pulling her bathrobe off the chair and wrapping it around herself.  Once the tie was knotted securely around her waist, however, she paused--what if Zander was just muttering to himself?  Or maybe he was talking in his sleep--either way, nothing to be concerned about.  He might even be listening to the radio...

     The sound reached her ears once more, and Alexis pursed her lips.  Whatever he was doing, it was her house; besides that, she was his attorney, and currently responsible for his well-being.  She had a right to know what was happening in the grey hours of morning that was keeping him from getting his sleep.

     Her nosiness justified well enough for 3:48 am, Alexis stepped forward.

~~If I laugh, just a little bit, maybe I can forget the plans that I didn't use to get you
~~At home--with me--alone...

     She'd never lived with anyone his age.  Well, not since she and Stefan were that age, which was long enough ago for Alexis to feel more than slightly out of her depth.  She wasn't going to admit it to Ned, but taking charge of Zander was something that, had she thought it through more carefully, she probably wouldn't have done; letting another person, practically a stranger, into her home and life was something that she didn't do easily--yet she'd welcomed Zander.

     Really, she considered as she crept down the hall, her fuzzy woollen sleep socks sliding gently on the hardwood floor with each step, she felt sorry for him.  Of course, she'd never tell him that; something about the way he acted around practically everyone made her sure that he wasn't the kind of boy for whom pity was a kindness.

     A stir in the air prompted her to cross her arms and hunch into herself a little as she made her way down the dark hallway.  It was his face.  Zander's face was always so guarded around people.  He was easier around her, she knew, but she'd noticed the way his jaw would set and his eyes would harden the second Ned glanced his way.  Or in Kelly's, when he'd watched Elizabeth Webber practically run from his presence and
withdrawn somewhere deep into his thoughts, just long enough to make her worry about how far he'd actually gone.

     He was well-mannered, and friendly if he liked you, and a quiet enough houseguest--but he was also withdrawn.  And insecure.  And impulsive, and angry, and he hardly ever smiled...except around Emily.

     As she drew up to the door to his room, Alexis smiled.  Zander adored Emily; however he had treated her in the past, whatever had happened to throw them into each others' lives in the first place--apparently it had all been forgiven somewhere along the way.  She couldn't say that she completely approved--at least she wasn't as violently opposed to the idea as some--but she also knew a thing or two about young love and how
impossible it can be to convince two people to stay apart.  Both of them were smart kids; if they'd been through that much together and still felt up to facing the intense opposition they knew they'd encounter, who was she to get in the way?

     She just wished that her houseguest wasn't such an unknown quantity.

     Dragging her thoughts back to the reason she'd pulled herself out of bed at such an ungodly hour, Alexis turned her attention to the door.  It wasn't closed tightly; she could see the edge of his bed through a good foot of open space, and noted the twisted, bunched covers that lay in a heap on the floor beside it.  Furrowing her brow, she stepped sideways and leaned her head around the doorjamb--

     Her breath caught in her throat, and she stared.

~~If I laugh, just a little bit, maybe I can recall the way that I used to be, before you
~~And sleep at night--and dream...

     The room was dark, but a shaft of moonlight cut a swathe through the shadows, turning the man on the bed into a sharply defined study in black, white and grey.  Zander was sitting up against the headboard, clad in a ratty pair of jogging pants.  His knees were drawn up in front of his chest, and his bare arms draped loosely over the tops of his knees, hands hanging limply at the wrists.  His hair, a tangled dark mass that could have been all shadow, glistened with sweat, a drop of which slid with agonizing lethargy from his temple down the side of his jaw.  His head rested against the top edge of the headboard, as if it had settled there and he didn't have the energy or will to move it.

     His eyes were closed.  His expression was not.

     He looked *exhausted*.  Alexis stared, noting the purple shadows under his eyes and the weary curve of his mouth, folded into a frown.  The moonlight turned his skin into polished marble; every angle of his features cast a deep pool of shade, and half of his face was eclipsed by darkness.  It was startling, how pale he was...

     And how still he was.  Alexis shivered.  It was, truly, like looking at a carved statue; she couldn't even see him breathe.  He was just sitting there, and he looked so *tired*--

     She was opening her mouth to ask if he was all right when his chest heaved, and he sucked in a slow, deep breath.  His hands moved, and he raked tense fingers through his damp hair, leaning his head into his palms and down; he came to rest with his brow against the inside of his forearms, his fingers clenched on the muscles at the back of his neck.  His hair fell in messy waves, curving into a soft, dark frame around the stark white skin of his arms.

     His shoulders began to shake, and Alexis heard it--the sound that had woken her up and drawn her to his room.  Low and rasping, hollow and bitter, at first she thought he was crying...but a moment later, realization dawned.

     Zander was laughing.  Pitched low, his voice rasped out a tired chuckle, without humour or pleasure.  It went on and on, pervading the silence of the room, muffled only slightly by the position of his head against his arms--until finally it ended in a short, broken sob.  It was the most desolate sound Alexis had ever heard.

     Then, with the same slowness as before, Zander's arms drifted back to lie across his knees, and he raised his head, tilting it backwards until it rested once more on the headboard.  His face was expressionless as ever, his eyes remained closed--but a faint shimmer of tears glowed gently under his long, dark lashes.

     Alexis stared at his unmoving form for a long moment--then, as quietly as she could, she turned and walked back to her room.

~~If I laugh, baby if I laugh just a little bit--

End.
"If I Laugh" by Cat Stevens

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