SHOTGUN REALITY   by Jayne Leitch
C. 1999

   God.  You have to wonder what destiny had in mind when it Chose me.

   Nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to--but then again, maybe it has.  And it all started when I got to Sunnydale.

   Okay, so I was running scared.  That bastard Kakistos had killed Ruth, and he had me marked for marking up his not-so-pretty face.  But coming to Sunnydale?  What the hell did I think was gonna happen?

   I remember Ruth.  My Watcher.  I kind of liked her; she didn't come on too strong, didn't try to rule my life--and hey, she got me away from Mommie Dearest.  Can't complain about that.  But she was still a stuffed-shirt Brit, and sometimes she seemed as stuck in her world as mom was in her bottle.  With Ruth it was always, 'This is your destiny', 'You are the Chosen One', 'The Council has decided'.

   The Council.  There's a bunch of moronic power-trippers.

   Anyway, when Ruth first came to me about taking over as Slayer, I thought--sure.  Finally, I'm first in the world.  First line of defense, first priority in at least one person's life.  'Cause after all, I was what Ruth's whole purpose in being was.  Without me, she'd just be stuck in some stuffy research lab, reading up on things with too many arms or
heads or whatever.

   She had me at destiny.  Before she showed up, I didn't think I had one.  Well, other than starting up some gang and getting locked up before I reached twenty.  A destiny's a nice thing to have when you're alone and fighting for your life.

   That was another thing.  She told me that my destiny was to kick ass; I was happy about that, because I knew kicking ass was something I was good at.  Hell, great at.  And how many people get to spend their lives doing what they're great at--and know that they're making a difference because of it?

   So she told me that I was called because the Slayer before me had died, and that I was the only girl in all the world who had the strength and skill to fight the vampires.  And I was psyched, because at last, I was special.  There was no one else like me--

   Then Ruth stuttered a little and said, "Well, except for Buffy Summers."  And I crashed, a little.  Ruth explained the whole almost-dying thing, and how there was now a second line, and I thought, Okay.  So I'm still special, just not as much.  But when I went with Ruth, and when I trained with her, and when I saw the approval in her face after I
staked my first vamp, I knew that I was still special to her.

   We had some hairy times.  I was only with her for three months, but I must've killed a hundred demons with her.  That kind of thing makes people bond, you know?  But no matter how many times she told me how gifted I was, how pleased the Council was with me--I always wondered about the other One.  That's what I thought of Buffy.  I never forgot she was out there; sometimes I'd walk in on a phone conversation Ruth was having
with some Council guy, and it would always be about something Buffy had done.  Or I'd sneak a look at Ruth's Watcher diary and read something about Buffy's Watcher--Ruth and Giles had gone through the Watcher's Academy at about the same time, so whenever the Council passed on information about him Ruth would make a note of it.  So no matter
how hard I tried to focus on the 'one girl' thing, I'd always know that Buffy was out there, somewhere, fighting the same way I was.

   You know, I never did find out anything about who I replaced.  Ruth mentioned her once--I think she said she was African or something.  I do know how she died; big surprise, something to do with Buffy.  I still wonder about her; I meant to ask one of the Scooby Gang, but I never got the chance.  And somehow, I don't think they'd be too willing to carry on a conversation with me right now.

   Anyway, when Ruth was killed, I figured--I don't know what I figured, but I was power-freaked.  I've seen some pretty gag-worthy things in my life--hell, I've *done* some of them--but what Kakistos did to Ruth was...bad.  And to know that he was planning to do something worse to me?  For the longest time, Ruth had been there to tell me how to handle things like that--but she was dead.  So did I wait around for another Watcher, for at least a message from somebody who could tell me what to do?

   Do I seem like the helpless sheep type?  No.  So, I went to find Buffy.

   I was curious, I guess.  I'd picked up enough to know that Buffy wasn't your average Slayer, and I guess I wanted to see how the other half lived.

   She was nothing like I expected, even though I'm not real clear on what exactly that was.  She had *everything*:  family, friends, a real daddy of a Watcher--and enough talent at kicking undead ass to make me feel second rate.  Not to mention, she's tiny.

   Okay, so I was jealous.  It didn't start right away; her friends seemed pathetically ready to fold me in at the beginning, and her mom seemed pretty willing for me to be the *only* only girl in all the world.  And for a while there, it was kinda working out.

   But then...I don't know what changed, but soon I was just another foot soldier in the fight against evil.  After we killed Kakistos--and good riddance to the bastard--everybody seemed to take me pretty much for granted.  It really got bad during the whole Ms. Post thing; man, that woman would have been my idol if she'd showed up a month or two later.  The way she played us all...I guess I have to thank her for making dear old B and me face off over Angel.  That was what got me spinning away from the rest of them--after they started excluding me from their meetings and stuff.  And lying to me.

   I was left out for most of my life before I became the Slayer; I didn't want a repeat performance.  But I guess two Slayers are too many for one town.  Buffy seemed to have everything under control--she knew what she was doing.  She was driving; I was just along for the ride--and I hate taking shotgun.

   I thought I could change her, make her into a less effective Slayer so that I could get some of the attention for once--but turning her into me just made everybody fuss over her more than ever.  God, you'd think she was queen or something; as soon as I got her ditching class and really enjoying the bad ass part of Slaying, Giles and Willow and everybody just ignored me and started hemming and hawing over what was wrong with her.  And when I finally got my own Watcher again--sissy freak though he may be--I found out I had to share *him* with Buffy, too.  And then, just when I thought things couldn't get worse--there was the Mayor's Aide.

   When I saw that great big hole in his chest, I went all numb.  And something got real clear in my head:  no matter what I did, I'd always be second best.  After all, Buffy's reflexes would've been better, right?  She never would have killed a human being.  Screwing up was my job; I'd screwed up when I ran away from Kakistos, I'd screwed up by trusting Ms. Post, and I'd screwed up by trying to kill Angel.  I knew that no matter
what all of her buddies told me, they would be thinking the exact same thing.  And I also knew that I couldn't take that.

   It's not that killing the guy made me feel awful in the first place; Angel got one thing right when he kidnapped me, and that was that feeling of power.  Taking an actual life--not a vampire's life, they don't even have 'em--makes you feel like a god.  After the numbness cleared away, after I'd dumped the body and got rid of the blood--I felt strong.
There I was:  I'd done this thing, something that everyone said was bad and that I'd get punished for--and I'd gotten away with it.

   For a day, anyway.  Then Buffy had to spill her guts to Giles, who, big surprise, believed her over me.  And suddenly, even that was about her.  Sure, everybody was all worried about me--Xander was a trip, he would've given in eventually--but I *knew* that, in the gang's minds, I was sharing their concern with Buffy.  It didn't matter that I was the one who had killed the guy; she had been right beside me, and God forbid she should feel bad.

   I did like having Angel all to myself; he almost had me convinced that he really wanted to help me, despite the chains and bruise on my forehead and everything.  But, of course, that was a huge crock too; I don't know who called in the Council Kidnappers, but they made me realize that I'd screwed up *again* by trusting anybody related to that freakshow.  All they care about is Buffy; the bastards would have locked me up without a
second thought, if I'd let them.

   So once I'd beat the crap out of Wesley, I went and found somebody who knew about all the mistakes I'd made--and didn't care.  Hell, in Wilkins' mind, I didn't do *anything* wrong; sure he missed what's-his-name for an hour or two, but he got over it.  And now it turns out he's gonna wipe Buffy and all her pals off the map--just the way I want it.  Could I possibly have gotten this any better if I had sat down and planned it?

   Once the Mayor's Ascension happens, I'm gonna be the only girl.  Destiny screwed me over once; now it's my turn to screw destiny.  Shotgun be damned, I'm taking the wheel.  Buffy and her Pips can go to hell.

   Oh, that's right.  They will.

End.

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