Buffy and Angel
Do
'Camelot'
by Guest Filker Jeneva

I've totally corrupted my sister.  It's fun.  This isn't the full libretto, but it's almost everything anyway--so crank up the Robert Goulet-less karaoke tracks and start singing!  (With massive apologies to Lerner and Loewe, of course.)

Sunnydale
 (to the tune of 'Camelot'; sung by the Scooby Gang)

 The demons made it clear:
The climate must be perfect all the year.
A law was made a distant moon ago here,
Don’t ever invite people who are pale,
And never go out walking after dusk here,
In Sunnydale.

Each year a new Big-Bad wants to destroy us,
It often makes us Scoobies want to bail,
But Apocalypse is simply standard fare here,
In Sunnydale.

Sunnydale, Sunnydale
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Sunnydale, Sunnydale
That’s how conditions are.

Vampires don’t come out ‘til after sundown,
By dawn they must be hiding or they’ll burn,
In short there’s simply not,
A less congenial spot
for happily-ever-aftering
than here in Sunnydale.

 --And I suppose the government has a secret agency doing behaviour modification experiments on the demons.

--Oh no!  Not anymore! Their head scientist created a demon-human hybrid that tried to destroy us all.

--Figures!

 Sunnydale;
I know it makes a person scared,
But in Sunnydale, Sunnydale
It’s always best to be prepared.

Our Mayor once Ascended into snakehood,
We had to blast the school to shut him down,
In short there’s simply not
A less congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering
Than here in Sunnydale.

******
Dawnie-Dear
(to the tune of 'Guenevere'; sung by a chorus)

Oh she found Dawnie-dear
Who was shaking with fear
And as Glory took her away,
Buffy’s mind went the same way.

On a night
Dark and drear
Came to trial
Dawnie-dear
As the Key she
Had to bleed
Glory’s minions
Felt her need.

And as Dawn waited high
For the time
She would die
There was planning
Far and near:
Spike would rescue Dawnie-dear.

 --I’ll wager that Buffy herself is trusting his love right now.
--Why else should she have chosen Spike to save lil’ sis somehow.
--When the world is black and grey what time could be more ideal for Spike to come and steal Dawnie-dear?

 And suddenly Glorificus was dazed by a buzzing vibe,
 And suddenly through the night a robot began to jibe.
 And lo! At the head o’ the army holding aloft her sphere
 Came Buffy to save her dear Dawnie-dear!
The minions fell by the score
Anya pushed Xander to the floor
 The objective was clear
 Climb the tower to Dawnie-dear!

 At the top of the tower
 At the appropriate hour
 Spike was shoved off the plank;
 Doc was slicing Dawnie’s flank.

 Dawnie-dear, Dawnie-dear
 Saw Spike fall, full of fear
 Saw the sister she held most dear
Take the place of Dawnie-dear!
 Dawnie-dear, Dawnie-dear,
 Dawnie-dear Dawnie-dear
 Saw the sister she loved most dear
 Take the place of Dawnie-dear,
 Dawnie-dear, Dawnie-dear,
 Dawnie-dear, Dawnie-dear!

******

The Simple Joys of Buffy-hood
(to the tune of 'The Simple Joys of Maidenhood'; sung by Buffy)

Rupert Giles! Rupert Giles!
It's Buffy here, remember me?
Rupert Giles!  Rupert Giles!
I'm over here, across the sea.
You know how dead and decaying I've been,
You must come back and fix my life a'gin.
But Giles!  Giles, it's Willow!
She won't obey rules anymore, she's gone a bit too far,
She won't stop casting spells about like others do Numfar!
Giles you have run away, eluded us and fled,
And from now on I intend to keep your picture by my bed!

Oh Giles!  Rupert Giles!
Where were you when my youth was sold?
Oh Giles, Sweet Giles!
Shan't I be young before I'm old?

Where are the simple joys of Buffy-hood?
Where are all those annoying, daring vamps?
Why is no one pining so for me
He stakes himself in woe for me?
Oh where are a slayer's simple joys?

I shan't have the normal life a maiden should:
I will never be rescued, though I should!
Two vamps appear to yearn for me
While I fulfill my destiny
Yet, where are the simple joys of Buffy-hood?

Shall I not attend a class today?
Or be home before Dawn wakes?
Not go out at all,
Or better still,
Go out without stakes!

Where are the simple joys of Buffy-hood?
Aren't sweet, gentle pleasures for the good?
Is passion not allowed for me?
Can sex not end in tragedy?
Oh where are the real live boys;
Harmless and breathing boys?
Where is my Mommy Joyce?  I hate Buffy-hood!

******

Sunnydale – Reprise
(to the tune of 'Camelot--Reprise'; sung by Giles)

Each evening from September to September
While watching dreadfully thoughtless tv tales,
Think back on all the fables you remember
Of Sunnydale.
Ask every person if he’s heard the story,
And tell it strong and clear and without fail.
That once there was a girl who defeated Glory,
In Sunnydale.

Sunnydale, Sunnydale
I know it makes a person cry.
But in Sunnydale, Sunnydale,
That’s the place where Buffy died.

Where once a Slayer learned just what her Gift was,
She sacrificed herself to save the world.

(chorus of Scoobies joins in)

We know we shouldn’t rail, but our hearts  can’t help but quail:
In one brief shining moment
Buffy saved us,
And…Sunnydale.

******

Then You May Take Me Now to Bed, or A Brief Overview of Buffy’s Love Life
(to the tune of 'Take Me to the Fair'; sung by Buffy, Angel, Riley, Spike)

Season II
 B:  Oh Angel!
Do you recall the other night
That I distinctly said you might
Join me in bed after the next patrol?
Well, I am afraid there’s someone who
May keep me occupied from you
Someone who plainly is,
Assembled by Dru.
The Judge’s power is more destructive
Than was that robot known as Ted
But I admit you’re so seductive
That you’ll have to take me up to bed!

A:  Oh Buffy
Let me tilt with him and smite him
Don’t refuse me so abruptly I implore!
Oh give me the opportunity to fight him
And judgment will be divided once more!

B:  You will bash and thrash him?

A:  I will smash and mash him!

B:  You’ll give him trouble?

A:  He will be rubble!

B:  A mighty whack!

A:  His seams will crack!

B:  Well! Then you may join me now in bed
If you do all the things you promise
In fact my heart would break
should you not take me
Up to bed!
~~~~~~
Season IV/V
B:  Oh Riley!
I have some rather painful news
Relative to the subject who’s
to be beside me tomorrow night in bed
You were the chosen one I know
But it’s only fitting it should go
To the unquestioned champion of the dead
And I’m convinced that splendid Vampire
Can easily make me want to wed
And besting all the government's henchmen
He should join me tomorrow night in bed!

R: I beg of you Buff withhold your invitation
I swear to you this challenge shall be met
And when I have finished up the operation
I’ll serve him to your highness on brochette!

B:  You’ll pierce right through him?

R:  I’ll barbeque him!

B:  A wicked thrust!

R:  He will be dust to dust!

B:  From fore to aft?

R:  He’ll feel…a draft.

B:  Well then!  You may take me up to bed
If you demolish him in battle
In fact I know I’d cry were you not by me
Up in bed!
~~~~~
Season VI
B:  Oh Spike!
Didn’t I promise that you may
Take me to bed during the day
That Dawn goes off to visit Tara’s place?
As you are quite a nasty ride
I must have time upon my side
So I’ll recover before Dawn shows her face!
So when I choose to drop by your crypt,
I’ll want your silence after all
And as we make the fire burn so
You can take me up against the wall!

S:  Slayer, you can’t believe I’d let you use me!
I’m love’s bitch, you know I love you, but I won’t.
That one night together taught me where you live, luv,
And I crave you like you crave me, in the blood!

B:  You’ll not appease me?

S:  You’ll not tease me.

B:  You’ll stay away?

S:  Not just through the day.

B:  Oh dear, dear, dear, dear!
Then you may have what you demand
It seems I can’t feel without your touch
In fact I’d grieve inside should you not ride me
Up in bed!

******

 What Do the Demon Folk Do?--The Wedding Song
(to the tune of 'What Do the Simple Folk Do?'; sung by Buffy, Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya)

 Buffy:
What do the demon folk do
When dealing with love that is true?
The spirit unsubstantial
The fiend without a sex
The irrepressible snake-like thing
fulfilling a hex?
When they’re betrothed and besotted
Those folk not alive but not rotted
However do they manage to tie that deadly knot?
Oh what do demon folk do,
We do not?

Xander:
As I have been informed,
Since Anya knows the rules
Attendants must wear larva and a sack
And this is so that if
With the bride they have a tiff
They look much worse than she does… <breath>
And that’s what demon folk do
So she says.

B: They wear larva?

X: So she says.

Willow:
What else do the demon folk do
To conclude the process of “woo”
The vengeance demon rejects
(How single minded they)
Have ways known to their own sects
When promising to obey!
When a spell of cold-feet sets in
What makes each of them become kin?
What ancient demon custom begins the bridal show?
Oh what do demon folk do?
Do you know?

 Xander:
First, so I am told
They chant a simple curse
Invoking painful boils; plaintive cries
And when I asked her why
She told me cause/effect:
That pain instills a fear of consequence
And that’s what demon folk do
Making a kind of sense.

W: Ergh.  Erm…

Tara:
What else do the demon folk do?
You must have a method or two
There’s obviously novelties we humans aren’t to know
Like does a vengeance demon have a bouquet to throw?
How then, I wonder, are things
Performed during the exchange of rings?
You have some magic rituals you haven’t mentioned yet,
Oh what do demon folk do?
I forget.

Anya:
When throwing the bouquet
I dance a fiery dance
And whirl ‘til I’m completely uncontrolled
Soon the groom is trapped within this firestorm
While guests applaud and mock him till he cries
And that’s what demon folk do
I tell no lies.

X/A: Yes, that’s what demon folk do!

******

You “Wrecked” Me Once in Darkness
(to the tune of 'You Loved Me Once In Silence'; sung by Spike & Buffy)

 You “wrecked” me once in darkness
Primal lust was all we knew
Trying so to keep my need from showing
All the while knowing
You needed too.
Yes, need me in every way, luv,
Your soul filled with dark despair
Thinking naught would flame in you forever
And the Scoobies’d never
Know it wasn’t there.

Then one day you cast away your visible aspect
The raging tide you’d held inside would hold no more...
The stalemate at last was broken
You came to me and threw me to the wall
And in playful acts your lust was sated
But now there’s twice as much love
Twice the want I feel
Twice the link between
Twice the pain to heal
As I had known before.

The stalemate at last was broken
We came together like an act of war
Every perverse act of lust was sated
And now there’s twice as much lust
Twice the degradation
Twice the despair
Twice the fornication
Since crashing through the floor.

******
Standalone: Before I Gaze at Me Again
(to the tune of 'Before I Gaze at Thee Again'; sung by Darla from S2 of Angel)

Before I gaze at me again
I’ll need a time for guilt
Before I gaze at me again
A new life must be built
There’s so much past
That I need to free
Before I try to gaze again at me.

Stay away until my soul has gone
Flitting far away…
‘Til the moment I awake to find
I can smile and say…

That I can’t gaze at me again
The mirror it is clear
My eyes are bright with yellow light
And others cower in fear
Stay far away, My-Image far away
‘Til I get vamped and can’t be held in your sway.